African Chief Declare war on the US!

[polished off from my archives]

The tiny West African State of Kosangba stunned the world yesterday when its Chief Minister; Nana Bambeu Kugboji, declared that his hard-to-find-on-the-map, postage stamp-sized landlocked republic has declared war on the US, the world’s only superpower. 

Addressing a well-attended World Press Conference yesterday at his squalid, dilapidated woebegone capital of Petuje (pop. 567), the bearded Chieftain declared the US a threat to world peace and vowed to mobilize his republic’s puny fighting force (exactly 1234 border police force equipped with WWI Rifles, no air force, no marine, no standing army and, obviously, no navy) to attack the USA which he declared to be a ‘menace to mankind,’ and a ‘threat to mother earth as we know it.’

Nana Kugboji is, obviously, not kidding as he has written to the newly-formed African Union (AU) and the European Union (EU) a letter copied to the Secretary General of the United Nations (UN) asking for an urgent meeting of the UN Security Council (SC) in which he declared that unless the SC condemns the US and authorized a UN Inspection team to enquire into, among other things, "US weapons of ‘mass murder’, The Yankee's violations of International laws and norms, and the persecutions of minorities in the territorial USA," he will lead a “coalition of the willing to disarm the USA and change the brutal Bush's regime, which is headed by a "corrupt and illiterate buffoon sitting in the White House."

In a voice booming with the resonance of a mighty African thunder, Chief Nana asked, “Which country in the world has violated more International Treaties than the US of A? The Kyoto Agreement to Protect the Environment and the International Court on War Crimes are just the latest in the long list of International Treaties that have fallen under the jackboot of this wicked, rapacious, and bloodthirsty nation of war-mongering savages. No, we can no longer sit back and watch this nation of vile mongrels continue to hold the rest of the world hostile, pardon me, hostage. My people and I have decided that enough is enough. We are going to help the American people defend theirselves (sic).”

The African chieftain shook with primordial emotions as he shouted, “In the name of peace, democracy and human rights this avaricious, predatory imperialistic sore on the conscience of mankind have bombed: China (1945-46, 1950-53), Korea (1950-53), Guatemala (1954, 1967-69), Indonesia (1958), Cuba (1959-60), Belgian Congo (1964), Peru (1965), Laos (1964-73), Vietnam (1961-73), Cambodia (1969-70), Grenada (1983), Libya (1986), El Salvador (1980s), Nicaragua (1980s), Panama (1989), Iraq (1991- present), Bosnia (1995), Sudan and Afghanistan (1998), Yugoslavia (1999). How long more would the world wait before calling this power-drunk, gluttonous land of injustice to order?”

When asked if he was aware that the US is the world’s sole superpower, Chief Nana was disdainful: “The US is nothing but a super-addyourownsevenletterword. (Hint: it begins with a and ends with something into which you can crawl)”

When Richie Salty of CNN asked if the Chief had the military might to back up his military threat, the Chief said that he had mobilized all his elephant hunters for a war to end all wars. “The fact is that you white people have always mis-underestimated (sic) us. My forebears gave imperial Britain a good trashing at the battle of Petuje when those thieving Perfidious Albion were foolish enough to wander into our land.”

Being told that the USA has the support of the British Prime Minister drew a laugh of derision from the African tribal chief, “What is one to expect from the leader of that Isle of Iniquities?”

The Chief was not impressed with the argument that the US invaded Iraq to bring freedom and democracy to the Iraqi people. The African head of clan attired in his ceremonial battle attire made of Lion and Leopard skin trembled as he cried: “The US, this imperialist monster, is the only country in the world to have loyally supported lovers of freedom such as Marcos in the Philippines, Diem in Vietnam, Pinochet in Chile, Suharto in Indonesia, Zia (and now Musharraf) in Pakistan, Franco in Spain, Mobutu in Zaire, Duvalier in Haiti, Ozal in Turkey, the Shah in Iran, Salazar in Portugal, Somoza in Nicaragua, Trujillo in the Dominican Republic, Stroessner in Paraguay, Papadopoulos in Greece, Batista in Cuba, Saddam Hussein (until they fell out) in Iraq, Idi Amin in Uganda plus all the rulers of Saudi Arabia and the rest of the Arabia oildoms.”

“And this silly notion that the US is fighting to preserve democracy is laughable considering that the moron sitting in the White House was selected by the Supreme Court and not elected by the popular vote of the people of the United States of America. Is it democratic to lose the popular votes but win the elections? Give me a break!”

Nana Kugboji was visibly irked when the TIME magazine reporter asked if the Iraqi leader’s maltreatment of his own people was not sufficient ground for the US to intervene. “Do you Western Press Guys and Gals read anything more serious than the make-me-happy nonsense they teach you at the ideological orientation camps you call universities? What country in the whole wide world has brutalized more of her citizens than the US of A? Beginning with the Native Indians whom you exterminated with biological weapons through to the Blacks whom your police continue to use for target practice to this day, the US is certainly way ahead of any nation when it comes to brutalizing minorities. No nation even comes close second. You cannot claim to be unaware of the COINTELPRO programmes of the FBI to disorganize black groups and the murder of black leaders, or the CIA introduction of drugs into black ghettoes, or the way Blacks were used in Syphilis experiments by agents of the US government. Go and read your history before you come before me to make stupid, sanctimonious remarks about Saddam’s mistreatment of his people. Your own government is a serious threat to its own black citizens and also to the rest of the world.

When the elderly reporter from CBS, Shirley Pearbone, asked if the African chief did not believe that the USA was right to go after terrorists after September 11, 2001, the Chief snorted: “You people keep prating about September 11. We in this part of the world have had nothing but September 11 all our lives, thanks largely to your government’s policies. What do you call Angola, Ghana, Mozambique, Sudan, Libya, and the rest of the countries in Africa where your government agencies have negatively impacted the lives of the people? And, please Ma, do not insult my intelligence by giving me any lecture on terrorists. Which organization is more terroristic than your very own CIA which has, for several years, set itself the agenda of toppling governments, organizing and financing insurgencies and proxy wars just to ensure that the non-white people of the world will keep living wretched lives and continue to be hewer of woods and drawers of water for you white people? And where were you wonderful seekers of truth when your agents of destruction were boasting that they were in our countries to make sure that people keep living wretched lives? ‘The objective of the war is not to make UNITA win a war, but to devastate Angola and make the people lead wretched lives,’ was how one of them put it in TIME magazine. Go and check page 3 of the August 10, 1989 issue of that mouthpiece of white supremacy. And don’t tell me that you are too na‹ve not to know that Osama bin Laden was not born in Africa. And for your information, Saddam Hussein did not sire him either. He is a product of your own CIA. His family and the family of your brain-challenged president have a business relationship and they both owned shares in the Carlyle Group. Go figure!

The Chief burned with anger when asked if Iraq with weapons of Mass Destruction is not a threat to world peace. “Weapon of Mass Destruction, indeed. Manufactured from what, tissue papers? You guys will never stop amazing me with your utter stupidity. You guys are sometimes so stupid you make my retrievers look like Rocket Scientists. About the only thing you shameless bunch does is parrot the rotting lies the liars leading your countries are telling. So, Saddam Hussein had weapons of mass destruction, and for that, Iraq must be destroyed thousands of her people were killed and millions more were made to live wretched lives. Have you stopped to ask yourself if Saddam had the delivery systems, you stupid .? And did you really believe that Saddam Hussein was such a senseless madman that he would threaten the USA with whatever puny arsenal he had in order to invite the virtual obliteration of his own country? Use your brains, ladies and gentlemen, if you have any, that is. Iraq was no threat to anyone except to the Western leader’s figment of imagination. You thieving bastards want Iraq’s oil and, as usual, your leaders are masking their naked thievery with a humanitarian halo.”

When asked why he is such a passionate anti-America, the African Chief brimmed, “Because you Americans are so stupendously arrogant and ignorant. You never learn anything from history despite all your universities and think tanks. There you are badgering around the world like demented Zombies, making exactly the same stupid mistakes all over. You are so consumed with your short-term interests that you cannot see beyond your long noses and learn the lessons of history. You are the only branch of the human race that believes in humiliating your foes. There was Iraq, beaten and humiliated yet you are not satisfied. You want more to piss and trampled upon it. Why do you Americans have that unique tendency of not looking upon your defeated enemy with compassion and favor? There you are – going gung-ho trampling upon Iraq Hussein. After you have defeated him, what? You defeated Germany in your WWI but your attempts to humiliate the Germans got you only WWII. You overthrew Mossadegh in Iran and what did you get in return? Ayatollah Khomeini, that is what you got! Go figure! Saddam Hussein is gone, but verily and verily I say unto you, what you will get in return will be far worse. Mark my word.”

Rounding up, the African chief took a savage swipe at the assembled press “You bunch of mindless hypocrites.” He cried, his hand swinging the pungent African air. “Your governments are leading the world into perfidy and about the only thing you are doing is merrily and cheerfully cheering them on. What do you care? So long as your fat paychecks keep coming in, what do you care, indeed? You guys are so mindless that the only thing you are doing is parroting the nauseating lies that the USA and its sidekick, Britain, are interested in giving freedom to the Iraqis. Where in their entire history have the USA and Britain fought for other people’s freedom? I ask you where? Search your consciences, if you have any. Goodbye.”

At which point the African chief pulled a watch from his breast pocket, consulted it closely, and declared: “I have wasted enough time on you minions.”

PS: I wrote this piece in the early 2000s, re-reading it, I am surprised that so little has changed that it could have been written today!

©️Fẹmi Akọmọlafẹ

October 1, 2023

Fẹmi Akọmọlafẹ is a farmer, writer, and published author.

My latest book, “Africa: A Continent on Bended Knees” is available on: 

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Comradely,

Femi Akomolafe